Twenty years ago when I was in one of my stages of self-understanding and self-acceptance with being a gay man, I did a lot of reading.
From magazines, the internet, movies, to books (biographies, self-help) I looked for information on what it meant to be gay, acceptance, and coming out.
I never was devastated by the realization that I am gay but I wanted to know how others live being gay. I wanted to know how being gay affected their relationships, family, friends, careers education, spirituality. and such.
As a student, I developed a nasty habit of highlighting or underlining insights and quotes from books whether they were my books or from school or the public library.
I have included insights from some of those books. I hope to add more as I transcribe more of the books.
As I feel that I am in another stage of acceptance and coming out, I find many of the underlined pieces still hold relevance and meaning.
It would be appreciated if you shared books or quotes that you find insightful or helpful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Coming Out to Parents:
A two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbian and Gays and Their Parents"
(by May V. Borhek)
"If your parents do not know about your sexual orientation, a growing sense of estrangement is apt to develop between your family and you because you are not being yourself with them. You are always playing a role." Pg. 15
"Often the psychic cost of concealing from your family the information that you are same-sex oriented is high. You are implicitly denying the worth of your true self and the worth of your possible relationship with your same-sex partner." Pg. 16
"Yet if you emerge from the process with a greater understanding of yourself and of the dynamics of person-to-person and family interaction, you will have been rewarded for whatever time, work, emotion, and money you put into the effort. Self-knowledge and self-understanding usually do not come easy." Pg. 20
"The real problem with prolonged denial is that it is a prison in which one locks oneself, and only the imprisoned person holds the key to the door. Storming the fortress from without is rarely successful. Patient love may eventually bring results, but is an exceedingly difficult gift to give." Pg. 27
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Family Heart: A Memoir of When Our Son Came Out
(by Robb Forman Dew) A family is a complicated beast. Its definition is as elusive , really, as that of love, or joy, or art, or pornography - we can't define it, but we know it when we experience or see it. Family is a clumsy, bumbling sort of creature, lurching along through the decades, losing bits here and gaining them there. page 76
It brought me face-to-face with the delicately arched eyebrow, the lowered voice, the sly, silky, self-congratulatory innuendo of 'us' and 'them' - that seemingly inescapable human equation of separation. When I thought of the conspiratory, knowing remarks that I may have been - and probably was - guilty of making myself, I realized that Stephen had been forced into the role of 'them' among the four of 'us'. A minority of one in the whole world as far as he knew. I could scarcely bear it, the knowing was so painful. page 136
A three year old can not choose - in a way that adult humans understand choice - the elements of his or her own nature. But there is now way of alerting people of their assumptions. Often, parents are not alerted to the risk of the expectations with which they burden their children. No one discourages parents from maintaining the notion that their child's life would follow a predictable design, approved of and even lauded by society. page 137
They've lost my admiration. They have made me understand that a lack of bravery is also, on some level, a lack of integrity. page 137
Stephen has always had astonishing social radar, and I can see now that with horrified clarity that he absorbed the idea of responsibility for the happiness of his own parents like a sponge. I think that it must have been at a huge cost to himself that he made it so easy for us to be pleased as his parents. He detected societal competition from the start and he became what he thought he needed to be in order to ensure our satisfaction with ourselves as parents.
He is, though, who he is; he denied himself freedom of affection, the euphoria of early crushes, the experimentation of early emotional attachments. In our society, homosexuals and bisexuals have been so quiet that most people have no idea how many gays, lesbians, and bisexuals they know and admire. page 150
You'll never know what he'll know. And you wouldn't have, no matter what his sexuality was. page 169
The truth of the complexities of each human life was clear as day, once we moved beyond the obstacles of fear and ignorance that had hindered our vision. We had lost sight of and forgotten about the fact of each person's individuality. We had fallen into the habit of slotting people into neat categories. We had chosen not to notice that some of them did not fit, because the act of categorizing seemed to simplify human negotiations. But to define humanity so narrowly is to overlook all the enriching and remarkable complications. Sexuality is only one facet of personality, and it isn't easily pinned down. It isn't one thing or another. Sexuality is, in fact, as intricate , essential, and unique as fingerprints. page 172
Glass closet - a closet constructed of one-way mirrors, with only the occupant able to see himself. He can never know when someone else is peering in, so that every moment of his life must be self-conscious and carefully considered. For too long, society has demanded this pretense from gays, lesbians, and bisexuals because it is comfortable for the majority, but it must be excruciating - and it is sometimes deadly - to anyone trapped inside. page 190
Our society is becoming more sophisticated, more at ease with diversity even while it wrestles with the backlash to acknowledgement of that diversity. page 208
"I feel wrong. I mean that I feel it's wrong to exist. That everything about me is wrong. i know it is not true, but you look at Sam Nunn's face! And he is always described as a 'the highly respected senator from Georgia.' So here's this guy everybody respects so much and everything about him is like some sort of declaration that I should exist. I don't believe it, but I feel it, and i have to try real hard not to act on it. I have to fight hard not to pretend. Not to go back in the closet. I have to force myself to think about why I know I'm not wrong." Stephen Dew page 220
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Boys Like Us: Gay Writers Tell There Coming Out Stories"
Edited by Patrick Merla "Working this business out - how much to reveal, when, to whom, - has occupied me for a long time, not so much because of my own insecurities, as a total uncertainty about how my 'audience' would react. Often, that is something none of us can ever know, so it makes little sense to second-guess and worry." p. 268 "Out-Takes" By Ron Caldwell
"I take my sexuality for granted, as everyone should. It would be silly, painful, and wrong to deny it and pretend that I am or could be different from the way I am, just as it would make little or no sense to see being gay as the central issue in my life all the time. It is a political problem a lot of the time. Sometimes taking political stands is important - and I am not afraid or embarrassed to speak out to ensure that I and others like me are accepted as worthwhile citizens, productive people, with all the rights anyone should have by virtue of being born into the world." p. 268 "Out-Takes" By Ron Caldwell
"We sat around in a circle and, instead of jerking off like we probably wanted to, each person related what it was like for him to come out of the closet. When it came my turn, I looked at the question, and at the men who had spoken before me, and thought that I, too, must answer. But I couldn't. I was either so adjusted to my sexuality that I'd never seen the need to formally announce it, or I was so naive that I didn't know the extent to which I was in denial." p 272 "Out-Takes" By Ron Caldwell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From magazines, the internet, movies, to books (biographies, self-help) I looked for information on what it meant to be gay, acceptance, and coming out.
I never was devastated by the realization that I am gay but I wanted to know how others live being gay. I wanted to know how being gay affected their relationships, family, friends, careers education, spirituality. and such.
As a student, I developed a nasty habit of highlighting or underlining insights and quotes from books whether they were my books or from school or the public library.
I have included insights from some of those books. I hope to add more as I transcribe more of the books.
As I feel that I am in another stage of acceptance and coming out, I find many of the underlined pieces still hold relevance and meaning.
It would be appreciated if you shared books or quotes that you find insightful or helpful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Coming Out to Parents:
A two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbian and Gays and Their Parents"
(by May V. Borhek)
"If your parents do not know about your sexual orientation, a growing sense of estrangement is apt to develop between your family and you because you are not being yourself with them. You are always playing a role." Pg. 15
"Often the psychic cost of concealing from your family the information that you are same-sex oriented is high. You are implicitly denying the worth of your true self and the worth of your possible relationship with your same-sex partner." Pg. 16
"Yet if you emerge from the process with a greater understanding of yourself and of the dynamics of person-to-person and family interaction, you will have been rewarded for whatever time, work, emotion, and money you put into the effort. Self-knowledge and self-understanding usually do not come easy." Pg. 20
"The real problem with prolonged denial is that it is a prison in which one locks oneself, and only the imprisoned person holds the key to the door. Storming the fortress from without is rarely successful. Patient love may eventually bring results, but is an exceedingly difficult gift to give." Pg. 27
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Family Heart: A Memoir of When Our Son Came Out
(by Robb Forman Dew) A family is a complicated beast. Its definition is as elusive , really, as that of love, or joy, or art, or pornography - we can't define it, but we know it when we experience or see it. Family is a clumsy, bumbling sort of creature, lurching along through the decades, losing bits here and gaining them there. page 76
It brought me face-to-face with the delicately arched eyebrow, the lowered voice, the sly, silky, self-congratulatory innuendo of 'us' and 'them' - that seemingly inescapable human equation of separation. When I thought of the conspiratory, knowing remarks that I may have been - and probably was - guilty of making myself, I realized that Stephen had been forced into the role of 'them' among the four of 'us'. A minority of one in the whole world as far as he knew. I could scarcely bear it, the knowing was so painful. page 136
A three year old can not choose - in a way that adult humans understand choice - the elements of his or her own nature. But there is now way of alerting people of their assumptions. Often, parents are not alerted to the risk of the expectations with which they burden their children. No one discourages parents from maintaining the notion that their child's life would follow a predictable design, approved of and even lauded by society. page 137
They've lost my admiration. They have made me understand that a lack of bravery is also, on some level, a lack of integrity. page 137
Stephen has always had astonishing social radar, and I can see now that with horrified clarity that he absorbed the idea of responsibility for the happiness of his own parents like a sponge. I think that it must have been at a huge cost to himself that he made it so easy for us to be pleased as his parents. He detected societal competition from the start and he became what he thought he needed to be in order to ensure our satisfaction with ourselves as parents.
He is, though, who he is; he denied himself freedom of affection, the euphoria of early crushes, the experimentation of early emotional attachments. In our society, homosexuals and bisexuals have been so quiet that most people have no idea how many gays, lesbians, and bisexuals they know and admire. page 150
You'll never know what he'll know. And you wouldn't have, no matter what his sexuality was. page 169
The truth of the complexities of each human life was clear as day, once we moved beyond the obstacles of fear and ignorance that had hindered our vision. We had lost sight of and forgotten about the fact of each person's individuality. We had fallen into the habit of slotting people into neat categories. We had chosen not to notice that some of them did not fit, because the act of categorizing seemed to simplify human negotiations. But to define humanity so narrowly is to overlook all the enriching and remarkable complications. Sexuality is only one facet of personality, and it isn't easily pinned down. It isn't one thing or another. Sexuality is, in fact, as intricate , essential, and unique as fingerprints. page 172
Glass closet - a closet constructed of one-way mirrors, with only the occupant able to see himself. He can never know when someone else is peering in, so that every moment of his life must be self-conscious and carefully considered. For too long, society has demanded this pretense from gays, lesbians, and bisexuals because it is comfortable for the majority, but it must be excruciating - and it is sometimes deadly - to anyone trapped inside. page 190
Our society is becoming more sophisticated, more at ease with diversity even while it wrestles with the backlash to acknowledgement of that diversity. page 208
"I feel wrong. I mean that I feel it's wrong to exist. That everything about me is wrong. i know it is not true, but you look at Sam Nunn's face! And he is always described as a 'the highly respected senator from Georgia.' So here's this guy everybody respects so much and everything about him is like some sort of declaration that I should exist. I don't believe it, but I feel it, and i have to try real hard not to act on it. I have to fight hard not to pretend. Not to go back in the closet. I have to force myself to think about why I know I'm not wrong." Stephen Dew page 220
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Boys Like Us: Gay Writers Tell There Coming Out Stories"
Edited by Patrick Merla "Working this business out - how much to reveal, when, to whom, - has occupied me for a long time, not so much because of my own insecurities, as a total uncertainty about how my 'audience' would react. Often, that is something none of us can ever know, so it makes little sense to second-guess and worry." p. 268 "Out-Takes" By Ron Caldwell
"I take my sexuality for granted, as everyone should. It would be silly, painful, and wrong to deny it and pretend that I am or could be different from the way I am, just as it would make little or no sense to see being gay as the central issue in my life all the time. It is a political problem a lot of the time. Sometimes taking political stands is important - and I am not afraid or embarrassed to speak out to ensure that I and others like me are accepted as worthwhile citizens, productive people, with all the rights anyone should have by virtue of being born into the world." p. 268 "Out-Takes" By Ron Caldwell
"We sat around in a circle and, instead of jerking off like we probably wanted to, each person related what it was like for him to come out of the closet. When it came my turn, I looked at the question, and at the men who had spoken before me, and thought that I, too, must answer. But I couldn't. I was either so adjusted to my sexuality that I'd never seen the need to formally announce it, or I was so naive that I didn't know the extent to which I was in denial." p 272 "Out-Takes" By Ron Caldwell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
